Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Why Good Women Cheat

Just this week I got into a conversation with a fellow about his wife and his daughters infidelity.  I've also seen several blogs recently that addressed why men cheat...but not so many on why women do.  Now, I Googled and found a ton of articles, but no personal blogs from the average Jane about why women stray.  Various writers investigate what the signs are, they list patterns of behavior such as being promoted or settling down.  I'm no disputing these per se...but I don't completely agree with it all either.  I'm not a professional of anything, but I am a former young bride who strayed.  17 years and two marriages later, this is my take on it all......

Has your woman ever told you that she's lonely?  In a house full of people.  Lonely.  If there are children, women get tired of baby talk, we get tired of being a work horse.  Yeah girlfriends help, but they have lives too...you can't expect someone outside your relationship to be at your beck and call when you need a shoulder...or can you?  When two people make that leap, be it marriage or a formal commitment to live together, outside life tends to fade into the background.  Work gets in the way.  Children take precedence.  Finances get tighter.  Life happens.  He's working, she's working in or out of the home (or both)...she just wants someone to sit her down, look her in the eye and say, "damn you're pretty, what's going on with you?".  And sincerely listen.  I'd venture to say 90% of affairs begin with a compliment and someone simply listening to what she has to say.  



How'd you land that woman to begin with?  How'd you keep her interested those first few months/years?  At what point did you stop courting her?  Was it after she moved in, said "I do", had the first baby ...at what point did you take for granted the fact that she would always be there....no matter what... .  I have told me fella repeatedly in the last few years, I never want us to get comfortable.  Comfortable leads to complacency.  Maybe that's my own paranoia talking, but in my experience that complacency is exactly where things begin to go awry.  I've known couples happily married for years, happy kids, the whole 9, then one day she is sending cute texts to a high school flame.  No nothing has happened yet, but all it takes is that one moment in time when her man lets her down.  It could be something as simply as not noticing she did her makeup and hair before he came home from work, or as big as a blow out fight over the bank account.  A cute text turns into a drink after work, the rest is history.  

Expectations.  This is a huge one.  We know after a certain point that our lives are not going to follow that path we created in our heads.  The college degree plan didn't pan out, got pregnant too soon, or didn't get pregnant at all, maybe got married or shacked up before you were both ready.  There is a myriad of things that push a life plan out the window.  There are moments when the frustration hits (and yes men go through these too), it hits and she says, "hold on...what exactly is going on here?  Where exactly am I in life?  And who the hell is he??"  "That is not the man I married....."  But what do you do?  She's grown to love him, maybe not IN love right at that moment, but doesn't want to leave what's been built.  An affair creates a breather to figure out how she may need to proceed with the rest of her life.  Not saying it's a great decision, just saying it's there.  It creates a definitive yes or no... stay where I am or walk away.

Women love sex.  We do.  It's true, I swear.  She just may not love it with you.  If you're locked into a marriage/commitment/whatever, and it's routine to you....how the heck do you think it is to her?  Let's be honest for a second, put away the "I know I do it right" b.s.  Is she faking it?  If you can't tell, either you've never given anyone a real one or you aren't doing something right.  Yes you.  For women sex begins in the mind.  Everyone one of us has a trigger and it's different for every single woman.  What worked for your high school girlfriend of 3 years may not work for your wife.  Some love the idea of daddy holding his baby...makes her want to go make another one...right then!  Some need to be dominated, even just a little.  Some need to know they are gorgeous and worth being worshipped for 20 minutes to an hour.  Take the time and figure out what she needs and give it to her!  Regularly.  Here's a tip...if her toes don't curl...keep trying.  All it takes is one time for someone else to make them curl...and all bets are off after that.  

See a woman can love on several different levels.  It's the maternal instinct I suppose, the love of a child is totally different than that of a mate, and that is different still than that of a close friend or family member.  Husbands can slip into friend/confidante mode, leaving the lover space wide open.   Again, complacency.  It can't always be up to her to keep the fire or the passion alive.  Men have to show their ladies the passion is still there.  It doesn't have to be off the wall different, it just needs to be meaningful and something she's into.  If timing is a major problem then find a way to work it out.  Some people are adverse to planning a date night or an "us" night.  If your lives are hectic, do it.  If you make intimacy a priority and really work at it, then it will become a priority and stay that way.  Tip....if she's elbow deep in treating kid no. 2 for head lice, that's a bad time to come on to her.  Give her a few hours or a day.  It's all about timing.  

It never hurts to let her know that you are a little jealous.  A LITTLE.  This is not grounds to go off and try to do bodily harm to someone who smiles at her in the grocery store.  I mean, let her know that you wish you were playing "honorary boyfriend" when she goes out with her friends.  Give her something to come home to.  A dead asleep mate isn't much fun when you've been out dancing with your friends looking all good and feeling right.  Who cares if you have to get up in a few hours...you'd have done it when you were dating...why not now?  I'll put it to you this way, if there's enough passion in your relationship to start a fight at whatever time she came home, there's enough passion to jump her bones instead.  Women like to know that they are the first thing on their fellas mind.   

Again, this is my take on it all.  This is from my own issues, those I've talked about with other women, things I've witnessed.  There's no simple answer as to why anyone isn't faithful in a relationship, but there are things to look for.  If it's important and if it means that much, work at the relationship.  Even if one or both have strayed.  I was lectured frequently by a man I worked with years ago when my ex and I were on the outs.  He told me that the "old people" didn't divorce.  They worked through it, they'd fight about it, they'd hold each other there where they'd made the commitment.  I understood exactly what he was saying.  It's not going to be wine and roses every day, it's how bad you want to make it work.  Mine ended because it was toxic all the way around, sometimes it's like that.  If each person does his or her best to give the other person what he or she needs, then that's a step in the right direction.