Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sex Fun Fact Chronicles: Part 1 The Early Years

In an effort to keep the creative juices flowing (no pun intended) I thought, "Hey!  A series of fun, interesting, and possibly weird sex facts!"
So here we are folks, the first of a handful of blogs on sex throughout history. Feedback is always welcome, and if there's an era or a people that you'd like to see mentioned, throw it at me! 


The Beginning of Time, Perhaps?

Early man perhaps became bipedal in an effort to obtain sex.  In the natural order of things, a big alpha male would simply look for as many ovulating mates as possible thereby producing as many offspring as possible.  What happens when a tree happy quadruped who's not all that big and dominant decides he wants some action? Well, maybe he brings ole gal some food...gotta have a couple of hands and a delivery method.  She's going to appreciate being doted on, even if he is a bit smaller than the ape-dude chilling in that tree over there.  I mean lets think about it, don't we usually put out by the 3rd dinner date??  I suppose we truly aren't so far removed from our ancestors!

The Romans and Beyond!

Tiberius!!  Ruler, Emperor, monumental freak.
This lover of little boys had frequent parties with youngsters engaging in daisy chains while he watched and occasionally participated.

Kissing.  Male- Female kissing was frowned upon when out in the public eye, with the exception of husbands returning from a wild night out.  The goal however was not so much affection as it was to detect booze on her old man.  Upon hearing of a particular Roman custom kissing became even more taboo, apparently Roman men were in the habit of brushing their teeth with urine.

Egyptians and Greeks had differing opinions on aphrodisiacs, particularly food items.  The Greeks believed that lettuce would in fact, wither an erection.  While the Egyptians believed in serving romaine at festivals celebrating the fertility god Min.   Olive oil was a great stress reliever as well...they didn't have KY his and hers ya know...

Commodus!!  Yes like the guy from the movie Gladiator.
A great fan of gladiating, he was also a bit of a freak, much like his predecessors.  His parents Marcus Aurelius and Faustina had a nifty little bedroom trick they enjoyed when she became smitten with a particular gladiator.  She was ordered to have sex with him, he was to be killed while on top of her and she to bathe in his blood.  She then was to have sex with her husband after a swift clean up.

Sabrina and Hadrian!!  Polyamory at its finest.
A classically arranged couple with a husband who classically enjoyed men and women.  He became particularly fond of a teenager from Blythe.  His wife was not so ignorant to the match as he most likely believed.  On a trip to Egypt the young man disappeared, no body was ever found.  In his grief the old man deified the boy, having statues created and naming a city after him.  Long after, when his wife died, he did the same, naming her a goddess.

These are just a few of the many fun facts that ripped through Rome, Greece, and Egypt.  The Greeks are credited with anal sex, the Egyptians have Osiris being mounted after death by Isis to produce the son and heir Horus.  Stay tuned, this series is going to get good!!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Whips, Chains, and....Cohabitation?

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up with drool hanging around, your hair is demolished, you're hungover (or maybe still a little drunk), you have a strange pain in a strange spot and there are sex toys laying about?  "Dang, it must have been a good night!!"

Now comes the next question:  is that your main squeeze snoring away or are you trying to find ways to exit the bed and room without waking the beast next to you....let's assume it's your squeeze, Coyote Ugly is a whole other blog.

When did you realize your honey, your main squeeze, the love of your life was compatible?  Was it the first date?  The first kiss?  The one year anniversary?  People connect on several different levels, emotional, physical, mental....we all crave connection.  Once that initial connection happens if things are going as planned the rest falls into place.  Of course we go through lots of trial periods, talking with folks, sleeping with folks, spending hours on the phone becoming "just friends".  But when do we find that sweet spot?  That meld between lust and love...and why does it seem to disappear after marriage or long term cohabitation?

It's been said men want a Madonna in the kitchen and whore in the bedroom.  That's somewhat true I'm sure, but we all know that's not always possible to achieve.  You can't always make a good girl a freak, just as a freak may not always be a good girl.  Chances are, if she's willing to wear a dog collar in public for you, she may not be mommy dearest or Betty Crocker.  (yes there are exceptions to every rule).  There are plenty of people who don't care if you can only cook from a box, just as long as you can throw it on them just right after dinner.  And of course there's the classic:  staunch mom, won't to do certain things because she's a mother, there are some men with same thought process.  There's a line from Analyze That with Robert De Niro:

 'Freud's a sick fucker and so are you for bringing it up,' says Vitti of the Oedipus Complex, adding: 'Have you ever seen my mother?' Explaining to the fastidious Sobol why he needs a mistress to perform acts he won't have his wife do, Vitti says: 'That's the mouth she kisses my kids with - are you crazy?'

Well, if there are things you won't do...how do you keep your man/significant other happy?  I'm sure there's the requisite birthday blow job, or the "Christmas special"...but what about the rest of the year?  So many folks are possessive and worried that their mate might stray...well...give'em something to come home to.  Show a little something while your cooking and let him/her sneak up on you...who cares if the kids are in the next room...what would you rather, children who see coldness and dissension between their parents or children who learn what love and sex are from the right source, i.e. not the TV or playground.  In the old days, tribal people lived in tents and close quarter housing.  Families often slept in one big room.  How do you suppose those parents begat all those kids tending their fields and livestock?  And how do you suppose those kids learned how to make babies themselves after they were married off?

We have a Purtitanistic way of looking at love and sex in this "modern" society.  I have known so many that prefer to show their children violence on TV than love or sex scenes.  I might be somewhat "out there" when I'm in public, but I maintain a modest air.  At home???  That's a whole other ballgame cuz.  It's behind my own closed doors.  If I want to swing from the ceiling fan tonight, well guess what...that ceiling fan was installed with reinforced bolts, hooks, and beams.  I have always been of the mind, if the cat is happy, the cat doesn't fine a new mouse.  But.  If the cat doesn't get the right amount of strokin'...the kitty is gonna stroll.

So, this is my point.  Don't ever believe that because you are married, involved, attached, got kids, tired, or overworked that you can't put on a pair of thigh high boots...a thong...a swing...a boa...or a rabbit.  Do. Your. Thing.  If it is consensual, both parties are into it, there's a safe word, or a reinforced bed, Do. Your. Thing.  Keep that man, woman, or tranny happy.  That bliss is part of the glue that makes a good couple great.

Don't ever be ashamed of what happens in your bedroom.  You can be that Madonna, that suit by day and by night, with the mother or father of your children, you can still be that freak behind closed doors.  If you trust that person to help raise your kids or share your checkbook, why not trust them to know you like glass toys and fuzzy handcuffs?  If they run screaming, you either A. didn't tell them early enough, or B. didn't tie'em down tight enough.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Insecurity Game

Night clubs.
Big hair.
Low cut shirts.
Pretty women.
Good looking men.

Hey hot girl!  Yeah you!  Right there!  Eating ice cream, in your pj's, listening to the Big Bang Theory and Facebook stalking random folks.  Chances are you've had the above happen on more than one occasion.  Whether you were the intimidatee, or the intimidator, it's happened.  Ever wonder why or how it happens?  Or, even better, how to prevent it?  Assuming you're not the kind of broad who goes out looking to make other chicks as uncomfortable as possible...this might take a few minutes to process.  If you are the kind of broad who is out to rattle some cages, well sugar, you can do better than lower yourself to a standard that requires the belittling of others to build yourself up in your own eyes.  

So here we go.

So you're out with your friends, drinking, laughing, dancing, doing what you do...you happen to be single and looking pretty good.  Not prowling for anyone, just enjoying your night.  You find yourself at the bar chit-chatting with the guy next to ya.  Not planning the wedding, not even planning the next 5 minutes, just....chatting.  10 minutes later in the restroom...there She is...either the chicks best friend or the chick herself.  "Stay away from him!".  Ok, chat is just that, chat.  If she didn't have the gall to walk up during mid-chat or he didn't offer girlfriend info, sucks to be her.  A woman shouldn't get her panties in a bunch because someone else held his attention longer then she's been able to since she started stalking ole' boy.  There is nothing more unattractive in a woman that a good dose of overt insecurity.  

I remember telling my neighbor when I was around 16-ish that pretty women intimidated me.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "no they don't, you are intimidated by them, they didn't do anything to you."  It took me years to understand what he meant by that.  These days, not only do I understand it, I preach it.  It took me till I was around 27 or so to realize that I too had the ability to intimidate younger women.  I didn't comprehend it at first, I didn't fully see it. I asked Ex why certain women wouldn't talk to me or they would snatch back their boyfriends or husbands like I was about to devour them...he said, "because, you're pretty and well spoken, you intimidate them."  It floored me.  Me??  Intimidating?  Seriously?  

I have several friends who are single, smart, hard working, and fun to be around.  They are also independent and very capable of talking the talk and walking the walk.  Men like to be around them.  They also happen to be somewhat stacked and long legged.  Oh well.  Brains, beauty and a healthy love of good beer?  Honey, if she really wanted that dude, she'd already have him.  If you have to walk up to one in the restroom to lay down a girlish threat that makes you look more desperate than you actually are....well shug, you've already lost the dude.  

Ninety percent of the draw to certain women is the fact that they are secure in who they are and what they want.  This factor can also be intimidating to men, chances are, that's why that beautiful woman doesn't have a mate right now.  That does not mean she's on the prowl, it simply means she's waiting for the right one to come by.  She knows the right one when he stops and talks and looks her in the eye.  That, my insecure dolls, is how you know when you've got a mans attention.  

"Everyday I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest."  Joy

To the insecure dolls:  How do you keep the attention of the one seemingly flirting with that leggy brunette at the bar?  Let them talk.  No one is a possession, he's a free man. If he is able to forget you that fast, you didn't need him anyways, and the woman at the bar will eat him alive.  Is he your fella and you feel he needs a reminder?  Fine, walk up and smile and say, "hi! My name is Jen, I'm Mikes friend, how are you?"  Hold out your hand for a handshake, if she's worth her salt, she'll smile right back, shake your hand, offer to do a shot with you and go on about her business.  If she's not, you became the intimidator, and you now have to hold your ground.  This does not mean get ugly and show your ass in a bar....this means if he really wanted you, you can turn and ask your guy to dance, he'll go.  If he blows you off...that makes the issue between the two of you.  You should thank the woman behind you for bringing out his true colours. 

Women who are out to break up a relationship are easy to spot, they lurk...and they will look like they have something to sell.  Any other woman with an "A" in How to Speak Man will simply look like she's out to have a good time, and believe me honey she'll have that good time with or without your chosen mark.  Classy women get the good men who treat them right, even if the relationship is short lived.  Non-classy women come out looking desperate, needy, greedy and end up with a fella who's going to play her for a fool.

So there you have it....before you corner the broad in the bathroom, stop and consider that man you think you're defending from a predator:

A.  is he actually "yours"?  or are you just hoping to nail him so you can hang on to him for a while.  
B.  is the woman standing next to him really freaking you out?  or are you freaking you out?  
C.  you do realize there are plenty of fish in the sea?

Ladies who speak Man:  Do you honey!  You're doing nothing wrong by chatting up a cute fella at the bar.  If you do get cornered in the loo by some little thing who you haven't seen anywhere else in the bar, much less next to said fella, keep smiling because she simply has a lot of growing up to do.  Immaturity and insecurity go hand in hand and they are as ugly as jealousy.  Don't sweat the small stuff, keep working out, keep making that money and keep that beautiful head up, you have far more class and frankly, are way better in bed. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

Friday, April 12, 2013

Sacred Sex, the Feminine Divine and Our Daughters

I've been obsessing lately over the Feminine Divine, both the ideas surrounding Mary Magdalenes true identity and how we approach the idea of feminine divinity in the modern world.  Of course we often hear about the images that are being fed our youth and whether or not they are healthy.  There is a balancing act to be done when it comes to the media and what's protecting them too much and what's allowing them to see the world they live in.  The thing that is plagueing me, so to speak, is: when did we become so jaded from crime and obscenity that we don't even see it anymore?  When we do see it, why do we blame the victims?

Courtney Stodden pre-marriage to Doug Hutchison
Go to ABC News and simpy read all the headlines, today there were two on the front page that heralded the stories of two teenage girls who killed themselves after being raped and humiliated by their peers.  One girl here in the U.S. was verbally attacked on Twitter and bullied at school after the incident--mostly by other young women such as herself.  How many videos do you see posted on Facebook that are of young girls fighting in school?  Most of them with mommy looking on or encouraging the behavior.  These are usually the same young mothers who allow their daughters to dress any way they want, giggle at them for "dropping it like it's hot" in the middle of the living room for various men and boys to see.  Schools are having to have mandatory classes for middle school age girls on rape, attacks, and bullying.  What happened?  Seriously?  What happened to our society that not only do we not revere our girl children, but we allow them to be pawns and possessions?

It would be easy for me to sit here and rage and blame patriarchal religions for the downfall of feminine love, but I won't, there's a lot more to it than that.  In the first 10 years of a childs life, their behavior patterns are learned, there are very few inherent behaviors.  Most inherent patterns are survival patterns, the rest they pick up from us as we react to them during their lives.  Did you ever have a grandmother or aunt tell you, "Don't gasp or run to pick her up when she falls down, she won't cry if you don't react to it that way".  That's entirely true.  A baby doesn't know that falling down is a bad thing till we express it to them.  All the know is, "hey, I'm not standing up anymore and my tush feels a little different".... Children don't know the difference between boys and girls until they are old enough to hide behind the closet door and take a peek at Cousin Andy.  Even then, they don't know *why* they're different, they don't know until we start talking about "you're my little man!" and "girls don't play with those". 

Courtney and her 51 year old husband a year later.
As soon as little boys and little girls begin interacting and we begin to assign gender roles to them, we are the ones who set the ideas of male and female, black and white, strong and weak.  By default, girls are the weaker sex, we do this because it was done to us, it's in us to reiterate those ideas.  When it's coupled by the images from the tv screen, magazines and other entertainment media, we get a society that is hell bent on keeping young women as weak as possible.  How many mothers over the years didn't teach their 13 year old daughter a simple self defense move?  Nothing fancy, just a jab to the eye or nose, a foot to the instep...something to buy time to run away and find a safe public place.  Now we are faced with our teenagers not just drinking, but getting so drunk they pass out and are taken advantage of and then slandered for something they didn't do wrong. 

So, where do we go from here.  Can we start by teaching our girl children that, no matter which way their sexual preferences go, they are sacred and need to treat their bodies as such?  They need to hold themselves and the boys/girls they date to higher standard?  What can we do to cast sex back into a sacred light, not have it be a good time arrangement that is over far too quickly and means nothing?  How can we make them understand that rape and molestation have nothing to do with sex?  It's about control and it's not the victims fault.  On that same hand we have to make sure our girls know:  you NEVER falsly accuse someone of rape, it's wrong and an insult to those who have suffered it.  Sex is supposed to be a deeply spiritual situation, that's why virgins get attached to their first, why women use it to get love and why men use love to get sex.  Yes, we are basic creatures biologically, so by all means have as much of it as you can get your hands on--but understand the act itself.  Understand that it's not a toy to play with. 

1980's Madonna "Boy Toy"
I have never agreed with the Catholic churchs take on sex, "sex is for procreation not recreation".  Sex was never meant to be about controlling someone, or to use as a tool, whether that tool was for children or to keep your husband happy.  It was meant to join two people together in a state of higher conciousness, why do you suppose orgasm feels the way it does, or why it releases copious amounts of seratonin?  Young people as a whole don't always understand the exchange.  I heard the phrase this weekend in regard to a young woman, barely 21, "she's too young to know the difference between 'just sex' and dating".  Honestly, in an ideal world, she shouldn't have to know the difference, the difference shouldn't exist.  There should be dating....and sex.... .  It should simply be a part of your relationship with your partner at the time, learning, and growing.  Otherwise, save the "just sex" for the Cougars who are divorced, tired and over the attachments. 

Forgive me if I got preachy with this one, but something, SOMETHING has got to give.  We are literally killing our daughters because they don't know they are something more than just a boy toy.  We, as mothers, also have to remember...they are watching every. single. move we make.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Drunk women, Dive joints and Warm beer

I went out last night.  Like out out, ya know, for funsies?  We ended up at a local haunt that I've been to dozens of times over the years.  The first night I ever went in there, there was a wire run above the bar for the women to leave their bras.  I didn't leave mine that night (or any other night as a matter of fact).  That particular place as evolved over the years and last night was quite the eye opening experience.

I never realized that this particular bar became the place to go if you are looking for threesomes or random, alternative fun.  I was with a small mixed crew and we were all just hanging out getting to know one another. There was a particular woman in the bar who was impressively drunk, I have to say though, I believe her behavior wouldn't have been much different if she were stone sober.  She was bouncing all over the bar, being obnoxious, doing various lewd things...basically doing anything and everything for attention.  Her "boyfriend" (assuming that's what he was) was by the bar watching and occasionally running over to smooth over a really rough spot.  At some point in the evening she took a shine to us.  Later on one of my male friends stepped away from the table and adjusted the rings he had on...he's a biker and slightly large and quiet.

On an average night random drunk women would simply be obnoxious, but in this particular circumstance folks around us were not just obnoxious, they were prowling.  Now, lemme 'splain the folks I had with me.  There were two beautiful women one blond, one brunette (who's done a bit of modelling), a fellow my age that is quite fit and ruggedly good looking, my biker friend who's a doll in his own right, and another fellow who was your average next door kinda man.  As a crowd we were good looking and approachable, we were just folks hanging out, being grown folks, having drinks and laughs. On my first trip to the ladies room I ran into the obnoxious lady...she wasn't shy in the bathroom.  A little while later she was picking on the young blond woman who was with us...this led into some dancing that got a bit too physical and ultimately ole gal got an earful.

Around the end of the night, while we were still fighting off the advances from Madam Obnoxious, another young woman walked up with tears in her eyes....I don't know if it was a "let your guard down" technique or if she was generally a bit pained over something.  She tried to pick up one of my guy friends, he turned her down as soon as he saw the wedding ring and heard the words, "that's my husband over there".  Not his bag.  She quickly moved on to my brunette female friend, turned down once again...in an effort to keep hubby happy she made her way around to the same blond who'd been Madam Obnoxious' rag doll an hour earlier.  At this point we left in a trail of cigarette smoke and at-the-door pleas to stay and hang out.

When did swinging and picking folks up become such a blatant, in your face thing?  I know it's always existed and that's just how some folks do....but to work an entire table of people who clearly are not interested?  I found out later, my brunette friend actually gave Madam Obnoxious a sound lecture on doing things to please her man of the moment instead of finding a fellow who was worth her time.  She flat out told the woman that she was far too pretty for and better than such behavior at her age in public.  I have to agree.  She had to be in her 40's, she claimed at one point almost 50, but I'm pretty sure that was a tactic to get some "oh no way! you look soooo good!!!".  I almost turned around and gave the other young woman a similar lecture, she was far too naive to be attempting such a thing and not very bright.  You don't tell folks you've never met that you have a 3 year old and that you want them to come home with you and your mate...that's how children go missing and you end up with syphilis.

There was a level of stupidity that I don't think I've ever encountered.  Is this our new norm?  I understand progressive, or doing things to make your mate happy, or even experimentation to see what you like.  I don't necessarily agree with some of it, but I understand it.  What I don't understand are the methods or the logic involved.  Call it a generation gap or maybe just that I've figured some things out, but I really don't remember being that flat out ignorant or clueless as to what the world offered.

I can say this though, it was a fun, eventful, odd, crazy, eye opening night!!!